Based on a true story…
It’s Friday morning…
Norman Walker jumped out of bed and opened his laptop. For the 5th time this week, Norman is up at 3:30 AM working on a multitude of projects and also getting ready for a keynote speech he would be making in L.A. the following week.
Norman’s company had been growing exponentially for the last 2 years and the momentum was like a wildfire spreading in a dry forest. Products were flying off the shelf, the marketing campaigns were generating millions of impressions, and new hires were being onboarded left and right. All Norman could think about was maximizing how the organization was positioning itself in the marketplace. For Norman, this meant working 7 days a week, often 10 to 12-hour days, and meeting hopping all day long. This also meant that Norman’s executive team had to keep pace.
By 7:00 AM Norman had finished his talking points for the speech, completed edits to the 5-year strategic plan, and sent out a note to his VP of Product Innovation, Peter Ash, a new partnership proposal that he’d want his team to build a presentation for.
“Please send me the presentation to review by 10 AM on Monday“.
By 7:05 AM on that Friday, Peter was reading Norman’s request as he was loading luggage into the suburban. Peter had taken the day off for his middle child’s birthday, and the family had a fun weekend of adventures planned a few hours down the coast. Peter was fuming by this email knowing that he had no intent of being back in front of his computer before Monday morning. This type of request would take hours of meetings, phone calls, and even focus time to get the presentation close to presentable.
Peter was a product of the “work-hard-play-hard” culture…the only way to keep the job was to conform.
Peter’s typical workday went from 6 AM to 8 PM. He would show up just in time for a late dinner with the family and to help get the kids the bed. Peter, out of his internal guilt of not being as present with the kids, would often read to the kids as they hit the bed by 9 PM. Peter’s wife would also routinely wake Peter up from where he had passed out while reading to the kids…only to get back to work by 2 AM. The middle of the night was the only time he could work while his boss and his subordinates were sleeping…this was also the only time he could do his best creative work.
Peter had not taken a day off in 2 years and this is why he was at a crossroads with this insane request.
Work-Life Conundrum
Peter looks at his wife and before he could say anything, she says, “NO PETER, you are not going to miss another family outing. You always disappear when we set time to celebrate a birthday or plan a family event. Why don’t you tell Norman to shove it? This project is not your responsibility. It is his lack of boundaries and time management.“
Peter knew his wife was right, but he explained to his wife that if I don’t do this, he may get fired or passed up on the next bonus season. Peter’s wife responds calmly, but firmly, “Would you like a wife or would you like your job? “
Peter bit his tongue and slammed the door on his way out of the kitchen. He goes over to his computer to see if there were any templates already in place that could eliminate the need to work all weekend. He also thought about asking his associate VP to help but remembered she too was taking the day off for a doctor’s appointment and knew it wasn’t right to ask her to work over the weekend either.
Perplexed, angered, and frustrated that this email had caused a fight with his wife and had already put a damper on the start of the birthday weekend celebration, Peter decides to respond to Norman asking if there was any wiggle room in the timeline due to him being out of the office. Norman responds immediately, “Unfortunately not Peter, this is a one-time opportunity for our organization and this partner is ready to move to a different option if we don’t have something for them by Monday“. Reluctantly, Peter responds, “Understood, I’ll have it over by Monday morning…have a good weekend“. (polite and sarcastic).
Peter’s only solution was to multi-task all weekend. Between the extra-early mornings and late nights over the weekend along with a few calls and texts to his team, Peter found a way to get the project done. Though he was physically present with his family, Peter was mentally out to lunch as his focus was to not disappoint Norman.
The Ultimatum
If this was a one-time incident that infiltrated the Ash household, this possibly wouldn’t have been a big deal. But this one Friday morning email and Peter’s response was a lifestyle. Week after week, weekend after weekend, Peter’s life revolved around his work. Though he loves his job, he was facing burnout!
Peter hit send on the presentation to Norman right at 10 AM on that Monday morning. As it leaves his inbox, a new message alert pops up on his Outlook…and it’s from his wife.
The email was titled, “Your Most Important Project“.
Dear Peter,
I hope the project that you’ve tirelessly worked on all weekend will be a tremendous success, I genuinely mean that. However, the project of your home is far from being complete. You are a wonderful provider for our financial needs, but you are not at home. I can’t have one single conversation without you looking at your phone. You are attached to the screen day and night. This is why I’m emailing you because I actually know that I have your undivided attention…maybe.
We haven’t been intimate in months. You haven’t taken me on one single date. You have not taken off work for 2 years. You are very passive to our kids and their behavior is starting to show. Our actual house is a wreck. Everything is broken, the trash continues to pile up, and projects that you promise to tackle continue to be pushed to the side.
Peter, I am just lost at what I am supposed to do. This past weekend was all orchestrated by me and you were consistently NOT THERE…AGAIN. I appreciate the sentiment of trying to make it work, but you failed to show up.
You have promised to change, build boundaries, and be present more often. You’ve promised to look for other jobs that would allow you to have more family time…to have more YOU time. You don’t even have time to invest in your friendships outside of work.
I have patiently waited for that day to come. Well, I’m tired of waiting. I’m leaving this afternoon with the kids to visit my parents in Cleveland. I don’t how long we will be there, but I need the time and the space to think. I can also use their help with the kids while I get my head on straight.
Peter, you also need the time and space to figure out what you want out of the future of our family. Right now, I question our future because your ambitions to climb the ladder and please your colleagues outweigh the ambitions of leading a happy and healthy home.
I love you so much, but I quite frankly don’t know the person that I married.
Amy
Peter felt like a truck had just run over him.
Getting Creative
You can probably relate to one or all aspects of the pickle Peter is eating.
We never get married with the goal of losing the marriage. That’s just never part of our crystal ball…but 50% of all couples experience divorce. Sadly, the data never points to our overachievement culture as a core distraction to intimacy in the home; but it’s a major contributor. Chronic busyness kills relationships.
The moral of this story is not to quit working when things get tough. It’s to get creative. If work-life balance has been like catching a fish with your hands, then it’s time to buy a fishing rod.
There is no one-size-fits-all to figure out how to balance the needs of a home against the needs of a demanding job. But the common denominator is getting intentional. It starts with setting intention, making a plan, and taking faithful steps forward.
We can also not completely throw Norman under the bus.
Norman is leading a company in a competitive market. We need driven leaders in this world, they are wired differently. It’s also not our business to judge anyone, from the prideful to the humble. Everyone has a place and a purpose in this journey called life.
But I would question if Norman has an empathetic lens to the people who are serving his company. Has he evaluated the culture and checked in to see if his workers are not only happy, but healthy? Does Norman realize that there are many ways to empower people by leading by example? Does Noman set his own work-life boundaries? Does Norman understand that happy productive employees are the cause of happy productive lives outside of work…not vice versa? We don’t know where Norman is at on his personal journey, but packed in these questions are recommendations for the leaders who are reading this.
Unfortunately, we can’t fix the culture at large, but we can change the culture of the home.
The foundation of the home has been eroding for decades thanks to the growth of cities, manufacturing, media, and technology…all temples of the rat race. The hustle of the rat race is fueled by a formula given to all of us at birth in the Western world, “to chase our potential for success“.
The values of the home implemented with intentionality and healthy boundaries is the way to protect the family from the rat race. It’s the legacy that will be a gift for the next generation.
I hope that if any part of Peter’s story resonates with the culture of your home, you are being nudged to recalibrate. If your family is worth salvaging and you continue to dream of what your long-term family health looks like (aka, your legacy), I would encourage you to start building a list of ways to reset your family’s trajectory.
Here are a few suggestions to end burnout and reset the family rhythm…
Assess Your Boundaries
For Peter’s situation, this is where he could start putting boundaries in place. Here are a few examples of boundary setting…
- Set two days in the week where you will work overtime (Tuesdays and Thursdays) Communicate this with the family and come to an agreement on the days.
- Create one day where you are in airplane mode all day…no email, no IMs, no texts, no meetings. Just focused work. If this doesn’t work for the full day, try it for 4 hours.
- For your meetings, condense them, shorten them, and cancel ones that don’t offer any more value.
- Create a different sleep schedule. Instead of working into family time, set an end time of 6 PM and invest in the family beyond dinner. Then with the ability to get to bed early, reset the morning routine to start less abruptly with meditation and movement followed by work. You will be amazed of how much can get done before 9AM without being on email.
Assess Your Household Budget
In this budgeting process, it’s the time to answer one question…what is enough? This isn’t for second homes, extracurriculars, or vacations. It’s the answer to what is enough for the basic needs. Once that number is identified for what’s needed for 6 months to a year, then this will provide some clarity on a few options as it relates to career aspirations and trajectories.
Assess the Current Job Challenges
Quitting isn’t always the best solution when facing burnout. But maybe one of the solutions below could be the right fit.
- Can you ask to be demoted?
- Can you ask to start a succession plan and groom a replacement?
- Can you ask for a sabbatical?
- If you do quit, can you first explore the opportunity to go independent (1099) and consult for your organization?
- Can you ask for more support internally?
- Can you ask for new boundaries or protocols to be put in place to protect non-working hours for your team or organization?
Assess Your Career Capital
If leaving the job is the next best step, I encourage a 30K flyover your career first. How have you progressed? Where is the red thread? What jobs, projects, or tasks energized you? What tasks or even hobbies have you not put enough effort into that you’d like to explore? What are your soft skills that can transfer into other industries? Who are the 10 people closest to you professionally…who can support you, refer you, and help support a job pivot?
Assess Your Dreams as a Family
Concurrently, go on a family planning retreat. This does not have to be extravagant or expensive. If the finances are tight, don’t even leave home. Find the space on the calendar and physical space that will bring a sense of delight to the conversation. In this retreat, it’s the time to get on the same page on goals for the family, assess the core values for what the family stands for, and then dream together of what your lifestyle is supposed to look like. This looks different for every family and it’s a chance to disengage from keeping up with the Jones. This retreat is also a time to build some boundaries in the home. At this retreat, you have one goal in mind which is to make an action plan with a timeline.
A Healthier Home
Peter took action and created a family mission statement with Amy during their 2-day retreat.
Fast forward 2 years.
Peter saved his family and they are now thriving. Peter started his own consulting firm in the industry he’d been in for the previous 20 years. One of his clients is actually Norman! He works about 25 hours a week, is consistently doing home improvement projects, and is also launching a second business (aka passion project) that will take families on retreats to Italy.
Peter is spending 2 full days a week with the kids and this has allowed Amy to launch a small part-time business. This was a long-lost dream of hers.
Peter and his wife have also started exercising in the mornings and both have lost over 30 lbs and they feel like they are teenagers again. The kids are thriving in their education and activities.
The Ash family has also scaled back on some of their expenses and extracurriculars which has created more margin in both their budgets and calendars.
The Ash home is still a far cry from being 100% Zen as they are still in the throes of parenting young kids and working… but the constant chaos, overwork, and quarrels have come to a screeching halt.
Your Most Important Project
If your home is a product of the rat race and you’re ready for a change, consider getting the Whose Home workbook and going on a 2-day getaway to dive into the family strategic planning models in this guide. Get your copy by clicking here!
Create a healthy culture, not a hustle culture, at home.