I used to be horrible at saying NO! When asked to do something, participate in a meeting, or knock out a last-minute project, my standard response was to comply with the request on someone else’s timeline. I was a loyalist, a people pleaser, a hard worker, a perfectionist, and a servant to my job description. My family called me a workaholic and I am still recovering. My identity was shaped by my profession and the outcomes of my work. This is not a bad thing because a significant part of my purpose is to serve others. I should care and I should want the best out of what I put my energy into….especially if this is the source of income and the means of providing for the family.
However, winning at work did not equivalate to winning at home or any other priority in my life. Living by the law of saying yes, compliance without boundaries, and not governing my work speed limitations are all ingredients for burnout. 20+ years of being on the go and seeking out professional growth for all the wrong reasons came to a screeching halt. Though it’s correct to live and lead through the mindset of service, it’s a slippery slope without the grips of sound personal values, time management boundaries, and family priorities. This article on why not to worship work provides a great overview of the importance of prioritizing community family, fitness, and rest.
Though it’s correct to live and lead through the mindset of service, it’s a slippery slope without the grips of sound personal values, time management boundaries, and family priorities.
Fortunately, I am now better with a work-life balance thanks to the two silver linings this pandemic has given to this world: the newfound appreciation of health and time. All at once, we have faced the same nuances over the last 2 years that have exposed the idols of busyness, consumerism, and unhealthy lifestyles. The habits of everyday work life changed right before our eyes…industries were disrupted, commutes stalled, working remotely became a standard, and business travel slowed. We were all given time back to our days to re-evaluate our values, our priorities, and our passions.
As for my recalibration, I decided to pursue health, joy, purpose, and peace. This would require a lifestyle change that put God, my health, my time, and my family first. That transformation started with me learning to build better boundaries by saying NO. The word “no” needed to be the answer to the toxins of my time and my health. However, I soon learned that so many of those around me also struggled in this area.
Learning to say no is a process of building personal boundaries around your top priorities.
Saying no doesn’t always mean that you have to say the word out loud or be stuck in the mindset that you are letting someone down. Saying no can be a posture, an expression, or just disappearing. Saying no can also be nonconfrontational, empathetic, and diplomatic by using non-verbal assets and tools that technology has blessed us with. Learning to say no is a process of building personal boundaries around your top priorities. So let’s dive into a few practical ways on the common requests of our time and how to artfully say no without the shame and guilt of being negative:
How should I respond to a meeting request?
Response: I’m sorry, unfortunately, this time won’t work for me, however, I am available at (INSERT DAY/TIME).
You’re not giving an excuse or oversharing anything personally. You’ve put an empathetic polite line in the sand with an alternative solution. If you have to miss a team meeting, request notes and action items.
How should I respond to a new project?
Response: Yes, I can take this on, however, the project you recently assigned will need to be moved. Which one would you prefer me to do first?
You’ve said YES, but you’ve also said NO to one of two things on your plate. This response has created boundaries, updated expectations, and hopefully set you up for success. It’s important to make sure your current deliverables align with your job description while walking the fine line of being a team player.
How should I respond when my manager requests an update on an existing deliverable?
Response: No, it’s not done due to (INSERT CAUSE). This should be completed by (INSERT TIMELINE). Do you mind if I have an extension?
You’ve provided a detailed overview of where the project is at, where there are challenges…not an excuse. It’s always better to be proactive in communicating when a deadline could be missed and requesting an extension.
How should I respond to a request to volunteer, join a new team or serve on a board?
Response: Let me check my schedule and other commitments (and if applicable, my significant other).
When asked to join a board, committee, or new cohort, do a full assessment of your current priorities before saying yes or no. Audit your time and energy levels to ensure you are showing up best for your obligations. Verify if the request is in alignment with your career or personal goals. Also, ask questions about the new request such as the frequency of meetings, sub-committee duties/roles, give/get, and term/length.
How should I respond to random (and sometimes anticipated) Instant Messages or Texts
Response: I’m in a meeting (or working on a project) right now, can I respond to you later today?
You’ve established the boundary that you are currently working on as another priority. It’s also ok to ignore the response until you are at a point of taking a break. To prevent this disruption in the first place, either don’t sign in to the chat (or check your texts) during focused times. Utilize the FOCUS/BUSY/DO NOT DISTURB features on your technology.
How should I treat some of my other time sucks?
Response: At the first sign of boredom, don’t reach for your phone, remote control, sugar, or alcohol.
For the sake of this article, I am only focusing on our addictions to phones. We frequently pick up our mobile phones without any sense of purpose, looking for instant gratification. Most Americans pick up their phones 260+ times a day according to this thorough screen time study. I’m guilty as charged! Before picking up your selected vice to cure your hunger, thirst, or boredom, ask why first. And then create your healthy boundaries around the consumption quantity.
2 Extra Tools to help you say no
Time block your calendar. The scheduling assistant on the Outlook platform is an evil tool that allows an entire organization to find times you’re free to meet. Meetings are often scheduled without any discussion or respected request of your time. Time blocking is the cure because what is not scheduled never gets done. I’ve previously written on extinguishing your dumpster fire calendar and also mastering your time blocking techniques. These are must-reads for those that struggle with calendar management.
Use your Auto Reply/Out of Office. If you are going on PTO, turn on this automatic reply at least a few hours before you are shutting down. Doing this in advance helps prevent getting caught up in the last-minute project as you are preparing for your vacation/PTO. Likewise, keep the OOO on a few hours after you return as well to better adapt to reacclimating to the speed, pace, and to-dos.
If you struggle with overcommitment or saying no, use some of the practices in this article to get your time back. It does not have to be negative! Saying no is saying yes to what you value most.
As my wife often reminds me, be careful to not allow someone else’s sense of urgency to become your stress.